India has the lowest divorce rate in the world. About 13 out of 1,000 marriages in India—less than 1%—end in divorce. Initially one might think that this means arranged marriage is extremely successful, but that is simply not the case. Women are often silenced or not taken seriously when they express wanting a divorce to their family members. This is because in South Asian culture, families care a lot about their reputation and other people’s opinions. The “What will other people think,” mentality is something that is always considered whenever any decision is made. Women are also blamed for the divorce more often than the man.
"She should think of the children"
"She's already spent so many years with him now, what's the point of divorce now?"
"Who will marry her now?"
"Now she will be her parents burden"
The main reason why divorce is so looked down upon in the South Asian community is the idea that no one will choose to marry a divorcée. In order to avoid this, many families pressure their daughters to stay in their toxic and sometimes even dangerous relationships so that they do not have to go through the arranged marriage process again. Additionally it is easier for divorced men to get remarried than for divorced women because South Asian culture favors women who are “pure.”
Divorce in the South Asian community is discussed in the Netflix Original Series Indian Matchmaking. For those of you who are not familiar with the show, Indian Matchmaking is a show where matchmaker, Sima Taparia, uses her biodata system to find the most compatible matches for her clients. Check out our review of Indian Matchmaking here!
One of the stories highlighted in the show is 36 year-old single mother Rupam Kaur’s. Rupam was married to her Sikh husband for 8 years and they have one child together. Their marriage ended due to infidelity.
Rupam described her experience as a divorcée and the stigmas behind divorce in the Sikh community.
“If you talk to anyone who’s divorced, Indian or not, they will say that they very much feel like a failure. I think at the time of divorce, I really wasn’t aware of the difficulty I would have trying to find someone else. I was really naive in that regard. I didn’t realize the stigma of being a single mother. Divorce is not common in the Sikh community. Marriage has a really sacred purpose. The husband and wife are really working together to attain enlightenment. There is a stigma to divorce.”
It is important that divorce is more talked about in the media because South Asians already have very little representation. Divorce itself is already so looked down upon so we are happy to see shows like Indian Matchmaking shed light on it more in order for it to become normalized.
Unfortunately, the South Asian region, specifically India, has a high sexual assault rate. Many married women may be victims of these horrible crimes, but many people think:
“Well he’s your husband. He can’t rape you!”
Yes, he in fact can.
It doesn’t matter if it’s a family member, a stranger, a boyfriend, a husband; if the other party says no, or later on says no, it is considered rape.
Marriage does not erase the rules of consent.
Women of course want to leave this harmful situation, but rape is not as commonly talked about in South Asia as it is in the United States. Wives may possibly be ashamed of speaking out about their stories only to once again hear, “your husband can’t rape you.”
In general, speaking out about sexual assault in South Asia is one thing, but speaking up about it to file for divorce is even more of a taboo.
Additionally, according to the IPC 375 exception III, “Sexual intercourse or sexual act by a man with his wife, the wife not being under 15 year of age is not rape.”
Marital Rape is still not a crime in India.
Another huge mindset is that kids will save the marriage. It’s a common misconception that having children will bring the family closer together, but that’s not always the case. Bringing a child into an already detrimental relationship can stress out and confuse the child. In the end, everyone will be unhappy.
According to Nanyang Technological University in Singapore, divorce in South Asia is relatively rare and divorce rates are low. The number of ever-married women currently divorced or separated (though not legally) ranged from 3.2 percent in Bangladesh in 2007, 1.8 percent in India in 2005–2006, 1.7 percent in Nepal in 2006 and 1.5 percent in Pakistan in 2006–2007 to 1.2 percent in Sri Lanka in 2001 (Demographic Health Surveys, various countries and 2001 Sri Lanka census). The percentage of currently divorced is not a good measure of incidence or prevalence of divorce, as it is affected by the rate of remarriages. However, comparable data for calculating divorce rates for countries in the region are not available. The rarity of divorce is no doubt a key reason why little information is available about divorce rates in the region. Since divorce is a rare event, data systems have not been oriented to systematic presentation of data on the subject.
According to the US National Library of Medicine and the National Institutes of Health, The NCRB (National Crime Records Bureau of India), in their report on suicides in 2015, tabled an analysis of identified causes of suicide according to the age group of the decedents. Dowry-related issues (8%), other marriage-related issues (7%), love affairs (6%) and family problems (32%) were thought to explain a majority of cases of suicide of females aged 18-29 yr, while illness other than mental illness was believed to account for the suicides of 25 per cent of both men and women aged 60 yr or more.
Married women account for the highest proportions of suicide deaths among women in India.
Marriage is less protective against suicide for women than in many other countries “because of arranged and early marriage, young motherhood, low social status, domestic violence and economic dependence.”
Women are often blamed more for the divorce, even in situations not relating to infidelity. It’s harder for a woman to get remarried because now she is considered “impure” since she is no longer a virgin. Additionally, for a marriage, a woman’s family must pay dowry to the man’s family, so this is another expensive expenditure. And, people are less likely to marry a divorced woman because she wasn’t able to hold down the first man, so how will she be able to hold down the second? In general, South Asian women are not treated with the respect that they deserve, but after a divorce, the little amount of respect they had goes down.
Divorce is becoming more common and accepted in bigger cities like Mumbai, but divorced women of small villages or cities suffer.
It’s hard for men to get remarried after divorce, but it's definitely easier for them than it is for women. However, due to societal norms, no one considers the emotional state of these men. After reading threads after threads of anonymous South Asian men speaking out about the outcomes of their divorces, we noticed that many of them suffered from depression and were completely isolated from their friends and family. Men are told to keep their emotions hidden, but after such a difficult and emotionally draining situation, they should be allowed to express how they feel. They just separated from the woman that they used to love; of course they’re allowed to feel sad! It’s time that we support our South Asian men and let them speak their feelings.
We interviewed an anonymous follower about their experiences with their South Asian parents' divorce.
How did your parents divorce affect you as a South Indian, especially considering all the taboos around divorce in the South Asian community?
As a South Indian, people were completely shocked. I had one girl tell me “oh, I thought divorce was just an American thing.” It was so hard to tell people. We had aunties ask “why?!” I mean, come on. What kind of stupid question is that?
Some aunties even offered to help out and find ways to bring my parents back together.
That disgusted me because they couldn’t even accept the situation. Divorce is such a taboo topic in the South Indian community. Every time I had to talk about it with my South Indian friends and family, they got so quiet. I think it’s time we normalize these types of discussions because it’s more common than we think.
Did this experience change your view on arranged marriage?
For sure. I’ve always hated the concept of arranged marriages, but the divorce made me hate it even more. It made me realize that divorce was bound to happen. It also made me realize that there are many South Asian parents out there who had arranged marriages and shouldn’t be together, but still are since they are scared about what people will think of them if they divorce. It also made me believe we should completely get rid of them.
How do you think the South Asian community can break down the stereotypes surrounding divorce?
We need to talk about it more. I don’t mean gossip about it at parties. I mean sincere discussions with friends and family. If people who have gone through a divorce are willing, maybe even a mini TedTalk type of event would help.
An outsider may see the statistic that India’s divorce rate is only 1% and think, “well that’s amazing!” But, the divorce rate isn’t low because there are millions of happy couples, it’s because there are millions of couples that are forced to stay silent due to society.
Thanks for reading all about Divorce! Come back this Wednesday to read about our TikTokker of the Month: Rakshan!
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