Welcome to the fifth post of The TikTok Series! We’ll be interviewing YOUR favorite brown TikTokers, and their perspectives on South Asian Issues. Today, learn more about Ella Parr and her experiences of being an adopted South Asian and being a WOC in Greek Life!
Tell us about yourself!
I'm Ella and I live in Houston, TX but I was born in Mumbai! I just graduated from Texas State University, where I studied Public Relations. I also served as president of my sorority, Alpha Gamma Delta, and was part of the Texas State Swim Club. I am a huge animal lover: I have a rescue Chihuahua!
What inspired you to start your TikTok account?
I first got on TikTok because of my friends during the start of quarantine, and to be honest, I didn’t really know what it was. I started to really like it and soon started making content about politics and sorority content- especially because I’m a person of color from the South. I felt like I was a demographic of Greek Life that wasn’t really represented that much, so I wanted to be that representation for others. I think that there are a lot of WOC in Greek Life at Texas State, but they aren’t the big figures of the sorority, and all the “popular” sorority girls on TikTok are white and blonde. Everyone who knows me knows that I love my sorority even though I don’t fit the sorority mold.
Tell us about your adoption story!
I was adopted in 2001 and I was a little over one year old! I was adopted from Mumbai and my parents came from Texas to adopt me. This is a unique experience because a majority of the time, the baby is usually brought to the parents.
I bonded very quickly with my parents because I realized at one point that I was stuck with them. Going from being in an orphanage and surrounded by kids to being an only child allowed me to become best friends with my parents. My parents put in a lot of effort to make me feel comfortable; they took me to the local temple to have me be immersed with other South Asians. Neither of my parents were Hindu, but they still made that effort to keep me in touch with my culture.
I ended up being baptized later in life, even though I’m not that religious now. I am Methodist because my parents felt it was very open to mixed families.
My mom found another family that was white and had an adopted Indian child; her name is Priya and she’s still one of my best friends to this day. My parents made a big effort for both of us to do things together, one of those was taking us to the big Diwali festival in Houston. It is hard being the only brown person, not just in my area, but in my own family, so I very much appreciate my parents for doing their best to make me feel my best.
I went to India in 2013! My parents are very close to the director of my orphanage, Bal Asha Trust of Mumbai. My parents asked what age they should bring me back to the orphanage so I can see India and where I grew up, and the director recommended it around my teenage years. We went to New Delhi, Agra, and many other places! My parents really wanted me to see where I came from. When I visited my orphanage, I saw that I played on dirt floors, not plush carpet. I saw that sometimes, I wasn’t able to eat three meals a day: seeing it was a much different environment than what poor people in America face, but it made me grateful for the life I now have.
We feel like we had a double life while growing up- we had to stick to our roots but still fit in with the majority white population. However, your story is a little different; would you mind sharing your experience?
I felt like I was in this weird, third category because I wasn’t white, even though the rest of my family was.
I wasn’t white enough for white people. But because my parents were white and I was dark-skinned, I wasn’t South Asian enough for the South Asian Community.
One of the reasons we actually stopped going to the temple was the people there were extremely negative towards my family. They didn’t like that I was so dark or the fact that I was adopted.
When I was on the Bollywood dance team when I was about six years old, we had practice at a girl’s house because the high school gym wasn’t available one day. Her family wouldn’t serve me food, and they made me sit in a corner by myself and eat out of a metal tray: they still very much believe in the caste system.
Of course, my parents showed up and lost their minds!
It’s a very hard thing when your own community won’t even accept you, and neither would the white, predominant community. Like I said, I felt like I was in a third category because in junior high, I always felt really ugly because I wasn’t white. All the beauty standards are blonde hair, blue eyes, big boobs, small lips, small nose, anything that isn’t considered ethnic. And once I turned 16/17 and boys started showing interest in me, I didn’t know how to take it. My mom would tell me, “these boys used to make extremely rude jokes about you, why are you giving them your time of day now?”
If you ever had any brown friends, did you struggle to relate to them?
I do have a few South Asian friends, one of them is Priya, my other friend that was adopted. She had a lot of the same experiences as me because she was also adopted by a white family. I had another friend, who I’m still really closeto, and she never made me feel left out; she taught me a lot about my culture that my family didn’t teach me, simply because they didn’t know. She always had homemade Indian meals at lunch and showed me what she was eating!
I’m getting married soon, and she’s the one that’s coming to help me choose a bridal lehenga because she’s someone who I really trust. She’s teaching me so much all the time, and I really love her for that.
Have there ever been moments where you have struggled with something relating to your identity and your parents couldn’t help you?
When you’re younger, especially in junior high, the way you look slowly starts affecting you.
I didn’t like how dark I was, and all my South Asian friends were a lot lighter than me, so I didn’t feel like I looked like them, and obviously all my white friends were much, much lighter than me.
That was probably the hardest part for me. It’s funny because kids usually don’t make you feel left out, it’s adults. One thing I escaped was dealing with body hair; I was a swimmer so I was required to shave, but a lot of my South Asian friends did deal with this and their parents wouldn’t let them shave.
What advice do you have for those in a similar situation to you, or Second Gen immigrants?
I would say to always know what you bring to the table. You are valued, you are special. Just because you don't look like the beauty standard, remember that you are unique in your own way!
You have to be proud of yourself, because at the end of the day, that’s all you have: you only have yourself.
You don’t have your girlfriend, or boyfriend, or your parents: it’s just you, so you have to be happy with who you are before you can move towards anything else.
Have you dealt with any racism before or felt discriminated against? Were there any instances when a South Asian made you feel this way?
A lot of the hate I get from the South Asian community is from older South Asian men on TikTok, who for some reason, are always so out of pocket. They just say the most hateful things. Usually a lot of the hate I get on TikTok is because I'm engaged to a white man or because I'm really dark. A lot of people tell me “You’re not South Asian.” And my response to that is “Have you been back to India? Because most of us are dark since we’re outside.” It's usually those two things that they’re usually very upset about. It’s one of those things where I’m like “You wish you were engaged to me and you aren’t.” Or at least that's what I like to think to make myself not be upset about it. You wish you had a woman and you don’t. That’s why you’re miserable.
What do you think the South Asian Community can do better when it comes to stories like yours?
I think the South Asian community needs to realize that we all need to be a united front. Especially the South Asian community in America or in any area that isn’t a south Asian country because we are the minority. A lot of people don't like us simply because we’re brown, we have an accent, or we wear a turban. People don’t like you just because you're ethnic. I think we all need to realize that we need to be a united front and we don't need to have issues within our own community. Things are changing.
You want your daughters to be successful, but you don't put them on the same platform as your son. That's a problem.
You need to put in equal respect for each child. Maybe you weren't given that opportunity but you shouldn't take it away from someone else.
You were the President of AGD at Texas State- tell us your experiences as being a South Asian in a sorority at a Southern University.
Did you feel any discrimination along the way?
Going through recruitment and the reason I chose my chapter was because the Vice President of recruitment at Alpha Gam was a fellow South Asian. I believe her family is from Pakistan.
I just loved that someone looked like me.
I’m a legacy for another chapter, but the reason I didn’t pick that chapter is because there were no people of color in that chapter at all. That speaks a lot because Texas State is a Hispanic serving institute and over half of the student body is Hispanic. So then I thought, you don't have anybody from the Hispanic community, the Black community, or the Asian community in your chapter and I don't want to have to be the first. That’s hard. So I immediately gravitated towards the chapter where I saw the most people of color. When I went through my house that ended up being my house, Alpha Gamma, there were a lot more women of color and a lot more plus sized women in that chapter than I had seen in any other chapter. So I knew that they would like me because they weren't thinking about, “I have to fit a certain look to fit in or I have to have a certain amount of money or drive a certain car.” So I feel like I really resonated with that chapter and a lot of the people there didn’t make me feel like I would be a token minority. That’s why I really clicked there.
I am the first president of color for my chapter. My chapter has also only been around since 2016. We're a newer chapter on campus. We have a house and everything but since we're still newer, I felt like it also gave me a lot more opportunities with that chapter. There wasn't as much push that I would have to have from advisers to be okay with me being the first woman of color president. I definitely dealt with a lot of issues with other fraternity chapters who didn't really like me. I’m lucky that there were some. The president of the Delta Sigma, he was part of the Hispanic community, was so sweet and kind and didn't make me feel weird because I didn't look like a lot of my other sorority sisters when all of the other presidents did. Or they would make comments like, “Oh your president is only there for diversity.” Going through recruitment was definitely hard because girls would say, “We don't want the chapter with the brown president.” There would be PNMs who would say that, which is hard but also we don't want you anyway. We don't want a girl who thinks like that. There's going to be people who don't like you just because of the way you look.
There are so many young girls going through recruitment who were part of multiple different communities whether it was the Asian community, the Black community, or the Hispanic community. Girls would tell me “We saw you on TikTok or Youtube and you look like us and we felt like we could go through recruitment because we look like you.” Some of them didn’t even pick my house, but they felt like they could go through recruitment. But that's all I've ever wanted is for people to feel like they have a space here.
It’s hard to be someone who has to fight for space for others but it’s the right thing to do because no one is going to give you space, you have to make it yourself.
What we’re realizing, especially with BamaRush Tok, is that sororities did not desegregate till 2013. It’s coming out now but it should've been major news and stayed major news. We should be having those harder conversations.
We're supposed to be the melting pot of the world but we can't be if people want to be silent about it.
Did you ever feel out of place?
100%, I would question if they liked me. There were definitely some other chapter presidents, who would make very harsh comments about the way I looked or the way people in my chapter looked, so that was always really hard. And there were always so many fraternity men who had the most derogatory things to say and that was hard. I never questioned if I deserved to be there because I fought tooth and nail to get there and no one’s gonna take that away from me. Even though I graduated, I've still been doing sorority content because my point of view is still really relevant and one day it won't be and that will be when I stop. When it's no longer relevant is when chapters will truly be diverse. Right now they're not, but they're getting there. I’m proud to say I come from the most diverse chapter on my campus. That doesn’t mean my chapter’s perfect. That doesn't mean we don't have more work to do.
I feel like with a lot of the hate that I would get from other chapter presidents, whether it was fraternity or sorority presidents, that I was threatening the status quo of what they’ve always known.
At the end of the day, I realized that I’m just a threat to them by just living my life. They have to prove that they accept girls of all looks or girls of all sizes because we’re here to stay. You can’t get rid of us.
What can those a part of Greek Life do to help with diversity and equity initiatives?
One of the biggest things is that this past year there was a profit share for the D9, which is the historically B lack fraternities and sororities. My sorority was the only one to show up from the Panhellenic. I think that’s a problem when we don't support the other greek life communities, whether that’s multicultural or D9. I think that’s one of the biggest ways we can promote inclusivity and that we’re open to everyone when we show up to each other's events. My sorority posted about pride because we have members that are part of the LGBTQ+ community. I feel like it's a good thing to be open and honest about the members that you have because if you show that you have people that are part of the gay community, girls who are part of that community will be like, “Oh they’re part of that community and they were accepted so I can join that chapter too!” Don’t tokenize them, but don’t say we don’t have girls who are gay in our sorority. Just be really honest.
What advice do you have for South Asian girls who want to join Greek life but feel intimidated or nervous?
I would say for any people of color who are afraid to rush, just know that you belong in these spaces. Just because there isn't someone who looks like you there yet doesn't mean that you can't be the first.
And yes it is hard to be the first but it means that you're paving the way for someone else.
90% of people that you're gonna be with are going to like you. There's just that very few percent, and they are always the loudest ones that don’t. But you’re never going to please everyone and not everyone in the world is going to like you. And it's a tough pill to swallow, but you just have to be okay with it. Also being in greek life is fun! There's mixers, parties, philanthropy events, mom days, dad days, and tailgates. Why exclude yourself from that fun? And if you don't like it, you can always drop. You can always leave, you can always quit. There’s no one forcing you to be there. So my thing is, try it, if you don't like it, move on.
What is one issue that is really important to you right now that you would like to share with our followers?
An issue that I think is really important right now is women’s rights because left and right, were losing stuff and I think that's a problem. We make up half of the population of the world and we should be treated with the same respect as a man. We should be given the same opportunities as men whether that's in the workforce, pay, or healthcare. Especially with everything going on with abortion rights activism, people aren't taking us seriously enough because they are threatened by our presence. They want to use it as a means of control. I think right now is a time where we all need to be very diligent and watch the people in power. So get out and vote, and be careful with the people you are surrounding yourselves with. If you're around a lot of men, you need to be careful who you're surrounding yourself with: those who would protect you vs. those who wouldn't.
Here's a link to a charity that Ella supports!
Do you think the brown community on TikTok is toxic?
This is going to sound horrible but I think the South Asian men on TikTok are toxic. Especially some of the older ones, need to get a grip. I feel like younger girls aren’t toxic because we’re facing all of the issues that the toxicity brings to us. But I do think the older generation of men and women are very toxic because they want things to be a certain way and to look a certain way. They don't want these girls in these tight dresses doing these dances on TikTok. Or they’ll make comments like “That’s too much makeup or her skin is too dark.” I think that’s what’s really toxic. But if you take that out when it's just young girls or guys, I don’t think it’s a problem because Gen Alpha and Gen Z, we understand boundaries.
What is your favorite part about being South Asian?
I would say my favorite part is that I’m really proud of my people and how I look. I like having dark hair and dark skin. It took me a long time to be happy with that but I am now. The way I look is different and it’s unique and I think I’m finally proud of that 22 years later. I love our culture, spicy food, bright colors, and gold jewelry. I think our culture is really special and I like how loud and extravagant and extra, I guess you could say, it is. There's nothing about the South Asian community that could be seen as tame and chill. We take everything to the next level and I like that because we’re very all or nothing people.
The Pasupu loved interviewing Ella and we hope you learned more about her perspectives! Attached below are her social medias!
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