Welcome back to The Pasupu! Today we will be discussing the endless cycle of Brown Boys and how society has created harmful standards for South Asian men which negatively affect the South Asian Community.
We would like warn our viewers that this post does include the topic of sexual assault (no graphic details) and we understand that this is an extremely sensitive topic. If this is something that may be triggering for you, we recommend you skip over that section (another disclaimer will be mentioned later on).
We will be unpacking the Big 4, not accounting firms, but traits that affect the cycle: parents enabling unfair treatment, the lack of affection, the mistreatment of brown girls, and victim blaming + sexual assault.
Before we receive any backlash saying that we are generalizing all brown boys, The Pasupu would like to say that in no way was this post created to “attack” anyone. There are so many men in our lives that don’t encompass any of these characteristics, but there are some that used to act like this and they’ve grown, and there are some that definitely act like the traits we have discussed. We’ve taken the time to write this post because we want our community to be supportive of each other and the only way we can do this is by talking about what we need to do better. So yes, not all brown men act like this, but it’s important that we take the time to educate everyone and understand the importance of respect.
1.) Parents' Enablement
Parental enablement of their son’s behavior is part of the reason this cycle is endless. Oftentimes within the same household, daughters and sons are not raised equally. For example, sons are allowed to stay out later than daughters. This can be true even if the son is younger and the daughter is older; the parents will still let their son stay out later simply because he’s a boy. This is just unfair. If anything, the older child should be trusted to be responsible and therefore given more freedom regardless of their gender.
The parents probably don’t realize it at the moment, but these values pass on to their son and it will affect how he treats his children if he chooses to become a father. The parental enablement of this behavior is the foundation for how brown boys grow up. This allows them to think that they can treat women incorrectly throughout their life and will keep passing on to future generations unless they actively try to change. Whether it’s their mom, sister, cousin, wife, or daughter, they will grow up with the value that men are superior to women and should be given more freedoms and continue to put that value into practice because they haven’t been taught otherwise.
2.) The Lack of Affection
Countless South Asian girls have thrown around the phrase “Daddy Issues” and that they face them. But, what are they and why do so many South Asian women face this problem?
For starters, Daddy Issues derives from the Father Complex, which according to the Kentucky Counseling Center is “a person that has unconscious impulses because of their poor relationship with their father.” The girl has a bad history with her father, and this then affects many male relationships she has. For example, she may work extremely hard to keep the relationship strong because of the broken one she has with her father, or the girl is in constant need of reassurance because that love was never present with her father. However, this continues to be an endless cycle because of the stigma in South Asian households that men must be strong, they must not show any affection, and that they shouldn’t talk about their emotions.
Let’s use an example of two children: Riya and Rohan. They are raised by a single father, as their mother passed away earlier in their childhood. The children’s father already has so many responsibilities as a father in general, but because of his wife’s death and society’s standards, he must be strong because if he openly expresses emotion to his children, he is seen as weak. The children know that their father loves them so much, however, they never physically see this love. They aren’t hugged by their father and their father never has any heart-to-heart conversations with them; the children feel that they can’t talk about their emotions or any problems they have with their dad because of this.
Little does the father of Riya and Rohan know that his children will forever be impacted by his unintentional behavior. Riya will always be jumping into romantic relationships because she never received affection, specifically from a man, while growing up. And, she may get into unhealthy relationships and not even realize it, simply because of the lack of love she received. Rohan saw the way his dad was while growing up and now treats his children the way that his father raised him because that’s what he was told was affection and love.
The cycle is endless.
Emotions are human. It’s okay to cry, to be angry, to be sad, to be happy. A guy will cry and someone will scold him to “be a man.” But, he is being a man; a man is a human, and all humans feel emotions. You aren’t weak for speaking out about how you feel; you are breaking the cycle that has been running for centuries. Men keeping in their emotions isn’t good for their mental health and it negatively affects their communication skills. Us co-founders have seen in many of our personal relationships, friends or family, that men are afraid to show affection; they’re hesitant to even say the words “I love you.”
Men have been conditioned to be less expressive and in no way is it easy to turn things around. But, by talking about emotions, love, and showing that physical affection towards the women in their life, men can slowly but surely break the cycle.
3.) The Mistreatment of Brown Girls
The mistreatment of brown girls by brown boys is something that is becoming very normalized on social media. On TikTok specifically, there are countless videos of brown boys hating on brown girls simply because they are brown. This is something that is prevalent amongst brown people and never really other races from what we have seen. This issue definitely stems from internalized racism. They’ll make comments like:
“I would never date a brown girl, they’re so toxic.” “They’re so annoying, how could you like a brown girl?” “Brown girls are disgusting, they’re so hairy and they have mustaches.”
Body hair in general is something that is normal for everyone. It is also something that a lot of brown girls struggle with growing up due to the fact that society has deemed “beautiful” as fitting into European beauty standards.
There is also another concept floating around TikTok that if a brown boy is in a relationship with a white girl, he is “winning.” Statements like this indirectly imply that brown girls are not enough for brown boys. By saying things like brown girls are too cringey, annoying, or toxic, brown boys make it seem like we are not worthy of a relationship. Realistically, these are all traits that could be found in any person regardless of race but brown boys are choosing to blame the origin of these traits on race. The idea that “winning” is being with a white girl stems from a mixture of internalized racism and being unaccepting of your culture. Most first generation South Asians go through a phase where we grow up hating our culture and wishing we could fit in, but as we get older, we grow to realize how beautiful our culture is and find a balance between both worlds. So it’s possible that the people making these videos are still in this growth phase and have yet to see what their culture has to offer. But that being said, that doesn’t make it okay for them to degrade brown girls simply for being brown. Also we’d like to clarify that we’re not saying we are against brown boys being in an interracial relationship with white girls. It’s the fact that to them, being with a brown girl is considered "losing” whereas being with a white girl is considered “winning.”
Regardless, brown boys should not be making these kinds of comments towards brown girls. Especially on social media where stereotypes can be easily perpetuated. At the end of the day there is only a select group of people who will be able to understand what you go through as a first generation South Asian and we all need to be there for each other. Nothing good will come out of tearing each other down.
4.) Victim Blaming and Sexual Assault
*TW*
There is discussion of Sexual Assault mentioned below. If this topic is triggering for you, please skip over it!
Though this is an issue with many men, regardless of their race and ethnic background, the South Asian community needs to bring light to sexual assault, more specifically, victim blaming.
South Asian women in general have been silenced when they speak up about their trauma or experiences because talking about sexual assault has always been considered a taboo. According to the Asian Pacific Institute on Gender-Based Violence, it was reported that South Asian women were significantly more advised to “stay in the marriage” rather than seek help or leave in situations of violence or sexual assault. Additionally, only 11% of South Asian women reported violence of their significant other. Many times, when women speak out about their sexual assault, they might hear from their female relatives, “it’s not a big deal, it happened to me and so many others too.” But, that’s the thing; older generations have grown up feeling that they would be at blame for something that wasn’t their fault. They were forced to accept that what happened to them was normal.
As we’ve written about it before, Toxic Aunties tend to comment on everything, including the way a girl dresses. A girl wearing a crop top and tiny shorts?
“Look at what she’s wearing, it’s disgusting. She has no respect for herself and wants attention from boys.”
Because of this extremely toxic mindset that continues to pass on from generation to generation, it enables victim blaming. These comments in a situation of sexual assault will turn into “maybe she shouldn’t have dressed like that,” rather than showing sympathy and giving support.
These taboos and behavior overall affect the community. Boys know that they are given more freedom than their female counterparts, so they know that they are less likely to get caught. The lack of respect towards women in general, regardless of race or not, is the reason that unfortunate events like sexual assault occur. Not only is this the perpetrator’s lack of respect, but it is 100% the friends of the perpetrator.
“The situation is complex, but he’s one of the boys, maybe both of you were at fault.”
The Pasupu co-founders are both in college and we’ve heard more than enough stories to tell our audience that we don’t want to hear these phrases. If you’re a friend of the perpetrator, do the right thing in showing your support towards the victim. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been buddies since Kindergarten, but acting like nothing has happened and not speaking up is enabling your friends’ inappropriate actions. Additionally, it doesn’t matter how “big” or how “small” the scenario is: every woman’s trauma is valid. It’s important that support is shown, rather than telling a woman that she’s simply overthinking or telling her what has happened isn’t a big deal.
We shouldn't speak on the behalf of other people's trauma.
So no, not every brown boy is outwardly bad, but if you’re a friend that has stayed silent, has allowed your friend to carry out an inappropriate action, or simply has not shown proper support to your female friends in need, you are still part of the problem.
Once again, we’d like to emphasize that we are not generalizing that all brown boys act like this but we do think it is important to address this topic for the brown boys that do act like this. We hope to end this cycle so that men aren’t shamed for showing their emotions, women are treated with respect and sons and daughters are raised equally. Thank you for reading this post and come back on 07.20.22 for our next post about how the overturning of Roe v. Wade affects women of color.