There is no balance.
A Desi openly speaks about going to the temple this coming weekend: too Indian. A Desi only has only Non-Desi friends: whitewashed.
Shreya:
I grew up as an immigrant, so for me to thoroughly assimilate took a long time. I brought chapati and chicken curries for lunch and I was always made fun of since Indian food “smells bad”. I would beg my mom to pack me a “normal” lunch because I was embarrassed of being Indian. I wanted to push my culture away as far as possible. I was embarrassed to be seen in public with other Indians and felt as if everyone was snickering behind my back.
In fact, I dreamed of being white. I thought that the best thing in the world was to be able to eat whatever I wanted and not be judged for it. I mean, no one would make fun of American food, right? I thought that if I were white, no one would make fun of my religion or culture or skin tone. White people were considered pretty, and my dark and ugly skin tone was not. White people didn’t have anything to be ashamed of; I considered them as perfect human beings. I truly hated being Indian.
These are the same thoughts that have gone through many Desi-Americans’ heads. We assure you that at one point, everyone wanted to push away their culture, whether they knew it or not.
Although most of us are proud of our culture now, there are still a lot of people that struggle with “finding the balance”. And to be honest, we play a huge part in it.
I will definitely admit to doing this in the past, but us Desis need to stop calling other Desis “too-whitewashed”. To be honest, I have never heard of a Non-Desi person calling a Desi “white-washed”. This term is deeply rooted within the Indian community, more specifically among First Generation immigrants. We don’t know the person’s life; maybe their parents didn’t grow up here, or maybe their parents just don’t teach them about their culture. Who knows? We can’t judge others for how “cultured” they are. The term is also used very commonly on TikTok: just another reason why the TikTok community is very toxic for Indian teens. We can’t continue to throw around the term “FOB” (fresh off the boat), like it's nothing. Because in the end, no one is exactly 50% Indian and 50% American.
Nikitha:
I grew up as a child of immigrants. Just like Shreya, I would always be teased at lunch for the way my Indian food smelled or looked. I started to ask my mom for more American foods for lunch because I didn’t want to be made fun of. I also dreamed of being white. When I was younger my sister and I had a big expo board and we would play “pretend class.” When we were playing I wanted to have the name “Katie” because I thought that it was a perfect and pretty American name and it's not hard to say like my name. I always wished I had blue eyes and blonde hair. I thought that being white was the only way I would be accepted by my friends. By middle school I grew out of not appreciating my Indian culture and started to find myself. This was mainly because of my connection with dance. I had been doing Kuchipudi (a South Indian dance form) and it really helped me connect with my Indian roots.
I often found myself embarrassed to explain my culture to my Non-Desi friends. When I was really young I was too afraid to explain that I couldn’t come to their event because my parents were taking me to a pooja. Instead I would just say oh I have to go to dance.
I am Hindu and in Hinduism I believe that there is a goddess known as Saraswathi who is the God of Knowledge. We are taught to never step on books or papers because that would be disrespectful to her. If we do accidentally step on a book/piece of paper we have a small gesture where you touch the paper/book with the fingertips of both hands and then you touch your eyes and you repeat this three times. I distinctly remember one occasion where this happened to me in school and I was trying to complete the gesture without anyone seeing me because I was embarrassed of what they would think of me.
ABCD (American-Born Confused Desi) is a term that is used to refer to South Asian Americans born or raised in the United States, in contrast to those who were born overseas and later settled in the USA. The term "confused" is used to describe the psychological state of many second-generation South Asian Americans who struggle to balance values and traditions taught at home with attitudes and practices that are more conducive to the majority white culture. Among South Asian Americans, the term may be considered divisive, as first generation South Asian Americans use it to criticize the Americanization and lack of belonging to either Indian Asian or American culture they perceive in their second-generation peers or children. Writer Vijay Prashad describes the term as "ponderous and overused" and notes it as one of the mechanisms by which new immigrants attempt to make second-generation youth feel "culturally inadequate and unfinished.
Many Desi-Americans have to face many societal expectations. One of them being to always be smart and at the top of your class. We mentioned this constant educational pressure in our Toxic Aunty and Racism post, but our non-Desi peers expect us to be smart and know the answer to every question. Again, this eventually leads to many self esteem issues because these stereotypes can’t be achieved by every Indian.
The article Raising an Indian-American teen shows many aspects of what a double life can look like. Kala Murali, a SF Bay Area resident, described her experience with gaining her daughter’s trust. She said she was very possessive over her first daughter and she didn’t want her to wear inappropriate clothes. Her daughter explained to her that she could easily wear a sweatshirt around her mom and take it off once she gets to school. Her daughter’s question to her as to whether she would want her to cheat behind her back, forced her to think about her approach. Murali said, “She taught me to trust her by asking me to tell her what I felt was right, but not force it on her to follow the values.”
Many of our viewers who answered our question sticker on our Instagram story said that they also struggled with finding their identity and being embarrassed of their culture. We want you to know that you are not alone and that everyone goes through this. We also wanted to create more awareness about our “double lives” so that other teens have something to look up to and can find comfort in the fact that there are people who have gone through similar experiences.
Come back next week for our take on Never Have I Ever and Indian Matchmaking!
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