*DISCLAIMER*
We love our Indian Aunties and their delicious sweets! We are aware that not all aunties are like this, but there are still many aunties that continue to belittle our generation for each and every one of our actions. It is important that we bring light to this issue, and hey, maybe if you have the guts, you can even send this to a toxic aunty! :)
For those of you who are new to the concept of the toxic aunty, let us define this term for you. First of all, these “aunties” are not actually blood related Aunts. Indian kids typically call any other older female figure that is not blood related to them “Aunty”. A toxic aunty is a middle aged woman that feels the need to comment on other people’s lives and decisions. A toxic aunty will usually gossip about other teenagers/young adult’s bodies, skin color, appearance, and education/career path. These comments are usually in the form of backhanded comments. A word from us- never let any toxic aunty’s words get to you! Know that you are an amazing individual and you don’t need approval from anyone else!
As mentioned in the description, the toxic Indian aunty often worries more about others than themselves and their families. Appearance is very important in the South Asian community, and already, many teenagers and young adults are very self conscious of themselves. Common remarks said by toxic aunties are “You’re so thin beta! Eat more food! Here, let me add more to your plate” or “You’re looking very healthy!”. We found a reddit thread where several people described their experiences with toxic Indian Aunties. One person in particular was babysitting for a family and the child’s grandmother said to the babysitter, “ You look better now that you have lost weight.” The babysitter was going through chemotherapy. These comments are not okay. Along with commenting about body weight, toxic aunties will comment about how a girl or boy dresses. What bothers us the most is that we will get comments about wearing crop tops showing less than an inch of our torso, but when we wear a sari, we receive no comments. The only people that should be concerned about your weight and dressing are you and your parents: no one else.
Often Indian aunties will comment on the color of your skin and your looks. For example they might say, “ Oh beta, you became so dark. Have you been going out in the sun a lot?” or, “You are looking very fair and nice, don’t go out in the sun too much!” These comments may seem very miniscule but they perpetuate colorism. Colorism is already such a big issue in Indian culture, we do not need aunties to add to it even more. They also make comments on acne and ask if we have tried drinking water or a turmeric mask. These comments are also directed towards both genders.
Check out this post for more on our take on Colorism and India’s Beauty Standards!
Arranged marriage is the most common in India of all countries, but with arranged marriage comes many expectations. These toxic aunties also have several expectations for your spouse to be. They expect their future daughter-in-law to be fair skinned, to watch after her kids while her husband is at work, and to cook, to clean, and take care of all the household duties. They expect their future son-in-law to be fair skinned, have a well paying job, and they would prefer if he was a doctor, lawyer, or engineer. When looking at these arranged marriage proposals, toxic aunties are really against someone who has been married once before. They also usually have the mindset of “My house, my rules.”
Within the South Asian community, everything is a competition. When it comes to education, the pressure is high. There is always pressure to go to the best school, get the best grade, and to get a 36 on the ACT. Toxic aunties are always comparing their children’s success with others, often putting other children down. This constant competitive atmosphere is harming South Asian teens and young adults and potentially leads to many mental health issues and thoughts such as, “Am I good enough?”. A conversation about college with a toxic aunty usually goes like, “Oh you’re going to NYU? My daughter is going to Harvard, but I’m sure NYU is a great school too!”
This kind of pressure from toxic aunties starts at a young age and continues all the way until their child is a grown adult. For example, another comparison that is made is whether your child is in the gifted program or not, or if they are taking advanced math. These little petty comparisons lower the child’s self esteem from a young age. These comparisons even continue when the children are all grown up and have jobs. Toxic aunties will compare what career field their children are in. They like to think that doctors, lawyers, programmers, and engineers are the only valid options.
Toxic aunties like to enforce gender roles on Gen Z. At a typical Indian party you would find all of the women in the kitchen preparing food while all of the men sit on the couch and relax. They expect the girls to learn to cook and clean, and the boys to bring in the money for the household. A common thing that is portrayed in Indian movies is that the girl is expected to cook for the boy’s family.
Check out this post for more on our take on Gender Roles!
These toxic aunties are the root of the problems most Indian American teenagers face. Their comments enforce the stereotypes of a perfect Indian boy or girl. These comments also add to our insecurities and ultimately lead to mental health issues. We all try to ignore these comments but, they do have long term effects.
Come back next week for our post on Everything Wrong with Tik Tok!